The Light at the End of the Tunnel: Fifty Shades of Hope?

Part 6:  Fifty Shades of Grey Chapters 22-26

We’re on the home stretch now, and I have been very hard on this book. But what can I say, the writing style is ticking me off. It’s chock full of useless details that overwhelm like maggots on a corpse. All of a sudden we hit chapter 22 and it’s like the story is beginning, and I can’t understand why these two people can’t have a normal relationship. The world is filled with people who have issues and yet they can still understand the difference between a business arrangement and a relationship.

Part of the reason why I have been delayed so long in completing this review has to do with this scene here. They have sex on her period and the description of it is so unsanitary that it truly disturbs me. Maybe its because I have a touch of germophobia, or maybe its because I’m visualising it, but this scene has such a deleterious effect on me that it takes everything I have in me to finish it. And afterwards I still don’t like to think about the book. But that’s just me, no one else I know seems to have been affected this way by this passage , not to mention the millions of fans. And I have just one word for chapter 23 – nasty.

We go through a dream sequence, with obvious meaning. Then more hints with the bludgeon about Christian troubled childhood. Now she’s preaching about children needing unconditional love and I wonder, why can’t this book be fun? This girls mind resembles a schizophrenic the way her inner selves are going at it. But finally we come to the final chapter and the end of my ordeal.

Chapter 26 is surprisingly good. I feel like this woman had 5 chapters of a novella and shoved in piles of filler to call it a book – what ratchetness. Moral of the story, if you have a story that connects with the audience, no matter how brokenly you tell it you can have success. I can only hope my stories will connect half so well.

Fifty Shades of Regret

Part 5: Fifty  Shades of Grey Chapters 17-21

Chapter 17 starts off kind of weird. Right know I’m wondering if it’s the same book. It’s poetic and descriptive, and I feel like maybe I’m not quite awake? LOL it’s a dream and now she’s awake I wish she would go back to sleep. “Jesus even in my sleep I’m drawn to you,” she says. And I think,  no duh. In my best California Malibu-girl impression “OMG, like seriously… these characters are soooo banal”.

For fuck’s sake woman, must you repeat everything? I know thoughts are repetitious but this is why a first person POV (point of view) is so risky. It requires the light touch of a skilled writer, which E. L. James you are not! There is more talking, more useless communication. When they do the ‘you  hang up’ bit, I know I should be thinking awww, cute. Instead, I’m here thinking what a dumb mofo this Christian Grey is.  This dirty woman is wearing the same underwear every time she fucks this dude and I wonder, does this nasty bitch even wash her underwear? I’m so bored I zone in and out and next thing I know I’m smiling at their childish banter. Yet even now I do not care if these two ever get together.

I am paying attention to the story – I swear I am. And so I stop and take stock: if  a person I loved was into these sorts of fantasies, to the detriment of building any sort of emotional connection or normal relationship between us, what would I do? And yet again, my mind refuses to co-operate because it wonders, how came I to be in love with this freak in the first place.  There are other cocks out there sweetheart. And you don’t want his money so – run!

Ahead of this family dinner, I realize that this girl who “loves” this sick, sick man has not even bothered to find out the slightest thing about him. Not a question about his siblings or upbringing, nada. But I suppose it’s reasonable given that they’ve only known each other two weeks! The passage of time in this book is yet another thing to add to my pile of grievances and I wish she hadn’t bothered to detail every breakfast.

I never enjoy the sex scenes. I mean, who moans every time a nipple is touched. There I touched my nipple. No moans were elicited. We have the dinner chapter and right now my mind is being overwhelmed with the minutiae. It boggles my mind that it takes half a page to say she’s going to dinner without panties. ‘Mercurial man’ has joined the list of terms that I never want to hear again. That and cajoling. There is way too much cajoling instead of saying. For fuck’s sake, again with the panties! I GET IT, HE’LL BE TURNED ON CAUSE SHE HAS NOTHING ON UNDERNEATH. I sorely wish I could I could get this bitch some panties so she can STFU.

At this point a light bulb goes off in my head and I know what could potentially redeem all these pointless words. How about she doesn’t sign your freaking contract Creep-o Christian? The younger sister enters and the story does what I think is impossible at this point – it gets more high school. The younger sister lapses into fluent french and it all kicks and giggles! More sex. Sigh, well it is an “erotica”.

As this segment winds down there are several things to note. 1. I do not find Grey’s jealousy sexy. It feels stalker-ish. 2. She never attempts to give us a feel of Grey’s dick mentioning only that it’s long. Why the hell should I trust the Virgin’s word on that anyway? How does she know? 3. A point on writing and her editors or lack thereof: she doesn’t know what details are important to describe and which ones not to.  For e.g. he places some metal balls in her pussy, but we are never given any idea as to the size of the balls. How should I visualize it? 4. Grey tells his story and you know what – I don’t care. I really don’t. Seek help dude, don’t bring your shit to me.

There is an attempt at humor that falls flat, a cheesy contrived nickname (50 Shades she calls him) and I’m relieved she going away from him. Maybe we’ll finally get some story going.  Meanwhile I’m left to wonder, how will I ever finish this book…

There’s only 1 part remaining in my 6 part (regrettable) experience Fifty Shades of Grey. (Where’s the gag emoticon?)

Fifty Shades of F*d Up: Him of the Smoldering, Molten, Grey/Silver Eyes

Part 4: Fifty Shades of Grey Chapters 12-16

I think, I know what she trying to do here but… I feel like the author is as lost and confused as Ana when it comes to the message she is trying to bring across. At times I feel like this book is an excuse for her to write the scenes that she wants to write. Other times, I feel like there’s a real story here that needs telling but she’s too busy hiding behind the conventions of Romantica to come out and say what she truly want’s to say. And so we get things like “oh my” or”down there”.

As I begin reading Chapter 12, I vividly recall the exact line in the review that turned me off. It said: “how can a person pretend to write erotica yet only refer to female sex organs as down there.”  It continues to haunt me as I am forced to go thru page after page of comical sex scenes. I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve resorted to hearing each instance of “Oh my” in the voice of  the indomitable Captain Braningan from the Animated series Futurama. Or maybe it’s George Takei’s voice I hear in my head. Oh my.

So now we’re treated to some serious interior monologue where she tries to sort out her true feelings for Mr. Grey. Oh my. Really, it’s the part in the the novel when our unwitting gumshoe is going over the evidence to solve the murder. Sorry, wrong genre formula. But it is feeling very generic at this point and all the masterful piano playing and classical music name-dropping cannot save it.

She sends him a text – you know one of those test things that women put men through and Holy Shit! He  appears. I am now convinced that this girl is very stupid because at this point any woman with a modicum of common sense would recognize the power she has over this man and use it to her advantage. Use it sister. Go, fix creep-o! As she yet again mention his pants “hanging off his hips in that way” I realize that I cannot fathom what this looks like. Again, with the biting of the lips and now this habit is beginning to annoy me.

Lol, so he’s decided to come dick-whip her into submission – now we’re talking! And my temporary enjoyment has completely fled at the realization that there will be another sex scene. I am not at all affected by these scenes and my mind wrestles to figure out why this is. Maybe it’s because I have to concentrate so hard on suspending my disbelief. There I just skimmed ahead to see how much longer this lasts and I’m quite gratified to find out not very long. I have  one word to sum of the rest of this chapter – stupes (apologies to non-Caribbean readers –  it’s definition number 1 on the link).

Chapter 13 was actually good. I enjoyed the other characters. Wish I saw more of them. Kisses José – miss you! There was a semblance of… something… developing and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Ah, but now it gone because we’re back to the “love making”/fucking – or whatever they’re calling it these days. You know, love making or sex shouldn’t interrupt the flow of your story it should advance it. Even the emails bore me. Can’t they just text because then I won’t have to pay attention to these stupid changing-the-subject-of-the-message-jokes.

I feel obliged to mention the graduation scene but I have nothing to say about it. We had a big reveal damaged by incessant bludgeoning (Grey used to be starving Marvin). There’s an obvious disconnect between morals and principles. How is it that she has no problem with obscenities yet displays a Victorian-like modesty when it comes to her anatomy. Oooh, down there. It’s not cool to accept gifts and money for sex but it’s okay for us to fuck without emotions? Is it the acceptance of a reward for a job well done or the act of sex without attachment (as she believes her relations with the Grey-man has been) that makes one a whore?

It’s just a story, people would say. To that I would reply, oh yeah where is it? Because I’m exhausted by the effort of looking. There too much in here that’s tangential to the point. Too much that reads like a twitter feed. Absolute diarrhea of the pen. Right now this is feeling like I’m reading a teenager’s journal – I ate___, I shat, I fucked Tom. Next!

Christian Grey seems to be in a constant state of PMS. That or pregnancy. I think I know the kind of man she would like to portray, but this caricature is awful. It’s like she wants to add some depth to the book, and she clearly lacks the skills to bring this across. Instead, we end up with a bit of fluff women can masturbate over – if you’re naive enough to envision sex this way or just get turned on by the implication of a penis entering a vagina.  People with issues need therapy, and I think she does an  injustice to BDSM here by making it seem like more of a symptom of his issues rather than a lifestyle choice.

One last thing – don’t make a habit of writing about habits people! Only 2 parts remain in the fifty shades series. I hope I can make it.

Rumors of BDSM: Fifty Shades Continues

Part 3: Fifty Shades of Grey Chapters 7-11

When I left you, I was wondering if there was actual BDSM in this book, hell if there was sex in this book. I’m relieved(?) to report that there has been sex at least. BDSM, I’m still waiting.

Ok, so to recap, we have our heroine who is in desperate need of a penis and a hero who just has nothing better to do. The heroine aptly describes him as a white knight with a dark side. And ladies, I kid you not, he would not be out of place in King Arthur’s court. Literally.

Chapter 7 is a bit of exposition about the rules of BDSM. Also, I want the record to show that I made that needing a penis remark  before it was revealed that she’s a virgin! Seriously, she’s a virgin and you’re still gonna do this Christian? LMAO he’s going to  “make love” to her to initiate her. Reluctantly, I might add cause he doesn’t “make love” – he fucks hard! Hold up. Can you “make love” to some one you just met and admittedly don’t love? Are they afraid to just have sex?

Holy shit! This Ana girl can say fuck but not pussy? I don’t know what to make of this line: “He gives me a wicked grin, the effects of which travel all the way down there.” Real talk – a person who cannot even think the word vagina should not be having sex. Since when does desire pool in one’s belly?  And she doesn’t even masturbate? What! Come on, come the hell on. Why is she even in this man’s apartment then, instead of saving herself or at least attempting to cultivate a relationship? Can that happen? You’ve lived 21 years of your life not even an inkling of attraction for anyone, not even the slightest trace of puberty and then you meet a guy and that it, you’re ready for him to turn you inside out like a trick?

Needless to say I’m having issues with this scene and it only seems to be getting worse. Which name is he calling out Ana cause he sure as hell has never called you that! And why is creep-o still wearing a shirt. Is that how you “make love”, fool? Really, now you going to fuck her a second time? She’s a virgin. She’s a virgin and orgasming and shit.  She’s fucking a guy who won’t let her touch him. In reality, this girl would be putting on a brave front to this creep, then rushing to the bathroom to cry and wash away her tears. Then spend like 10 years in therapy. I swear to God, if she says “Oh my” one more time…

I am so torn right now, because really I have to give E. L. James some props for writing such a long love scene. That shit is hard to do without being repetitive, and ridiculous. But at the same time – damn this scene is hella long! And for some reason I am just not connecting with it. I read romance. I’m not a dedicated romance lover but I have read scenes by Judith McNaught and Nora Roberts and even some unknown authors and I was able to get into them and enjoy them. By the time he  makes her suck her taste of his thumb and she tastes blood – I have had it. I am checked out. Goodnight folks!

Sigh, we’re done with the “love making”. Then we have breakfast. Ugh, what is with this food thing? I hate it when an author has to belabor a point so. Ok, I get it he hates wasted food. I get that he must have been starved before he was adopted or some other shit. I don’t need to be reminded every 10 pages. Note to aspiring authors out there, give the readers some credit. We’re not 5.

Ok, almost there, almost to the end of my daily reading allotment. Whew, feels like a marathon. Whoo-hoo, shout out to Barbados! Big up to all my Caribbean peoples…  Seriously – you’re just gonna stick this whole contract in here? Why does this feel like padding? Have you no story to tell?

Alright, it’s done. And frankly, I’m glad. I would like to hear from a person who found these chapters enjoyable. I’m sorry but, things like this: “his gaze is a scorching, molten grey” are not commonly found in books I like to read. Supposedly there are men who choose to read this. Yeah, <snicker> I believe that. So there endeth part 3 and as I have committed to finishing this book, you can stick around if you can stand it. I believe in redemption, so let’s see if this book can eventually prove it’s worth.

P. S. – (This note is specifically for two of my reader/editors, one of whom recommends this book)  She used the word sternum in the love scene! Ha!

Fifty Shades of Danielle Steele

Part 2: Fifty Shades of Grey Chapters 2-6

I guess I know why so many people love it. These first few chapters reads like one of best seller Danielle Steele’s novels. Personally, that’s not my sort of thing, corny, trite, tired. I struggled through those chapters wondering if the rumors of BDSM could possibly be true. After all that reading so far I’ve been rewarded with two words: “Holy fuck“. Sigh. I suppose that’s something.

Ok, on to the review. What to talk about, what to… In five chapters she and the man she’s developed a crush on meet repeatedly in a series of situations, none of them particularly interesting. First, I was struck by her sheer naivete. I felt like she was 19, although I guess there’s not much difference between that and 21 and I had to wonder why a 27 year old, one supposedly wise beyond his years, sophisticated in every manner conceivable could ever be interested in this girl. I guess the author’s job for the rest of the book will be to make me try to believe it.

There were a few cheesy scenes like Ana describing the earth tremors she expected to feel when she met the one. I couldn’t help but feel she’d read too many romance novels, but then I kinda understood. I suppose I expected the same nonsense when I was her age too.The scene where he “saves” her from the cyclist was just too “Mills and Boone”  for me.

What I did enjoy were the characterizations of her subconscious and their somewhat antagonistic relationship. The part where her subconscious screams “You! You’re my thing!” and she slaps it down was hands down my favorite scene so far. And I could relate to not wanting to admit to yourself when you liked someone. Then a few pages later she slapped her subconscious into submission again and I almost cheered out loud: ” Good on you, you’re doing God’s work!” Something I would dearly love to do but can’t. Sigh. Oh how I would like to slap that girl. Forcing me to be privy to all her frivolous emotions. It’s too much I tell you.

The first natural scene in the book was that breakfast scene after he rescues her from her own drunkenness and – Oh my! – getting kissed by a friend. What kind of college chick with close male friends hasn’t indulged in a drunken fuck every now and again much less  drunk kiss. I hate things like that – come on be real! Anyway, I was saying… The breakfast banter felt genuine and I enjoyed it. It brought a smile to my face.

All in all what with the violent elevator kiss and the discovery of the secret room, I feel like we’re finally getting somewhere. Maybe this is the beginning?

See you soon for Part 3!

A Fifty Shades Journey…

I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna take the 50 shades plunge.

Can you imagine I haven’t done it yet? Tsk, tsk and I call myself an erotica writer. But honestly, I’ve had erotica fatigue. Part of the road to writing it included reading enormous amounts of it. I read all types: black, white, short pieces, long pieces. And I nearly gave up on writing  it because I hated so much of it. It was all so repetitive, all so similar. It was sooo boring. No wonder writers in this genre get no respect, I thought. Don’t get me wrong, there are some good erotica writers out there – Zane for one. But from a remunerative aspect, what were my chances for success? What sort of reward could I expect to reap? Slim to none I concluded.

So when I first heard about the Shades of Grey trilogy I was flabbergasted. How had she managed mainstream success with a book like this? A book of this genre? All gung-ho I rushed to Amazon’s site to get the book, but then I read the reviews. And she has gotten slaughtered in some of those reviews. My enthusiasm waned a bit, but in the end my curiosity has won out. So I’m prepared. I’m prepared to enter the world of BDSM (LOL, I know nothing about that). I’m prepared  to commit to one book initially. I’m prepared to read critically and take what lessons I can from this book, from writing a successful erotica. Not that I think I can duplicate her success but hell this may be fun.

So come along,  follow me as I give you unfiltered access to my thoughts while reading this book. Hang on though, if you’re a hardcore fan you might not like what I have to say!

Chapter 1

I don’t know that I like the first person POV (point of view). Sure it makes the experience more personal if you can identify with the narrator.  So far Ana is a nervous girl with confidence issues. She just seems overly sensitive. At this point I’m a little overwhelmed and irritated by the emotions she’s feeling already. Just get on with the interview please! Alright, I’m a bit confused. Am I supposed to find Christian Grey’s rock hard demeanor sexy, or be pissed he isn’t  melted by the heroine’s vulnerability? Right now, I’m just finding him a little creepy….

Ok, I’ve made it through Chapter 1. I’m not too worried because let’s face it – beginnings are generally rough. plus I have to admit, I am intrigued by Christian Grey. I need to know – what’s attracting this man to this pathetic, not-quite-a-woman?

Tune in next time for Chapters 2-6! It’ll be quick – I promise. Subscribe to my blog to get notifications when I post the  rest of of the chapters or sign up by email.