Fifty Shades of Regret

Part 5: Fifty  Shades of Grey Chapters 17-21

Chapter 17 starts off kind of weird. Right know I’m wondering if it’s the same book. It’s poetic and descriptive, and I feel like maybe I’m not quite awake? LOL it’s a dream and now she’s awake I wish she would go back to sleep. “Jesus even in my sleep I’m drawn to you,” she says. And I think,  no duh. In my best California Malibu-girl impression “OMG, like seriously… these characters are soooo banal”.

For fuck’s sake woman, must you repeat everything? I know thoughts are repetitious but this is why a first person POV (point of view) is so risky. It requires the light touch of a skilled writer, which E. L. James you are not! There is more talking, more useless communication. When they do the ‘you  hang up’ bit, I know I should be thinking awww, cute. Instead, I’m here thinking what a dumb mofo this Christian Grey is.  This dirty woman is wearing the same underwear every time she fucks this dude and I wonder, does this nasty bitch even wash her underwear? I’m so bored I zone in and out and next thing I know I’m smiling at their childish banter. Yet even now I do not care if these two ever get together.

I am paying attention to the story – I swear I am. And so I stop and take stock: if  a person I loved was into these sorts of fantasies, to the detriment of building any sort of emotional connection or normal relationship between us, what would I do? And yet again, my mind refuses to co-operate because it wonders, how came I to be in love with this freak in the first place.  There are other cocks out there sweetheart. And you don’t want his money so – run!

Ahead of this family dinner, I realize that this girl who “loves” this sick, sick man has not even bothered to find out the slightest thing about him. Not a question about his siblings or upbringing, nada. But I suppose it’s reasonable given that they’ve only known each other two weeks! The passage of time in this book is yet another thing to add to my pile of grievances and I wish she hadn’t bothered to detail every breakfast.

I never enjoy the sex scenes. I mean, who moans every time a nipple is touched. There I touched my nipple. No moans were elicited. We have the dinner chapter and right now my mind is being overwhelmed with the minutiae. It boggles my mind that it takes half a page to say she’s going to dinner without panties. ‘Mercurial man’ has joined the list of terms that I never want to hear again. That and cajoling. There is way too much cajoling instead of saying. For fuck’s sake, again with the panties! I GET IT, HE’LL BE TURNED ON CAUSE SHE HAS NOTHING ON UNDERNEATH. I sorely wish I could I could get this bitch some panties so she can STFU.

At this point a light bulb goes off in my head and I know what could potentially redeem all these pointless words. How about she doesn’t sign your freaking contract Creep-o Christian? The younger sister enters and the story does what I think is impossible at this point – it gets more high school. The younger sister lapses into fluent french and it all kicks and giggles! More sex. Sigh, well it is an “erotica”.

As this segment winds down there are several things to note. 1. I do not find Grey’s jealousy sexy. It feels stalker-ish. 2. She never attempts to give us a feel of Grey’s dick mentioning only that it’s long. Why the hell should I trust the Virgin’s word on that anyway? How does she know? 3. A point on writing and her editors or lack thereof: she doesn’t know what details are important to describe and which ones not to.  For e.g. he places some metal balls in her pussy, but we are never given any idea as to the size of the balls. How should I visualize it? 4. Grey tells his story and you know what – I don’t care. I really don’t. Seek help dude, don’t bring your shit to me.

There is an attempt at humor that falls flat, a cheesy contrived nickname (50 Shades she calls him) and I’m relieved she going away from him. Maybe we’ll finally get some story going.  Meanwhile I’m left to wonder, how will I ever finish this book…

There’s only 1 part remaining in my 6 part (regrettable) experience Fifty Shades of Grey. (Where’s the gag emoticon?)